10 million people each year find themselves affected by domestic violence at the hands of their partner. If you’re a victim of domestic violence, it’s understandable that your mind may be racing with several questions.
“What does this mean for the future? What does full custody mean? Will I have to find a new place to live? Can I survive on my own?” These are just a few of the questions that may be on your mind during these difficult times.
With this brief guide, we will detail some steps you should take if you are living with domestic violence and find yourself married to an abuser.
Come to Terms With What’s Happening
Just because you don’t hear someone say, “My wife hits me,” often doesn’t mean it’s not more common than you think. If you’re dealing with an abusive spouse, you first need to come to terms with the fact that you’re being abused.
When you’ve been subjected to abuse for a prolonged period, it can be challenging to determine if you are a victim. In some cases, you might even blame yourself for the abuse that’s taking place. When you’re trying to wrap your mind around domestic abuse, it’s crucial to remember that it all comes down to having power and control.
The abuser will do whatever it takes to control you any way they can. This includes but isn’t limited to manipulating you, whether that be verbally, financially, or emotionally.
It could also include gaslighting you and making you feel crazy about how you interpret things that are going on in the relationship. It could also mean they take drastic measures to isolate you from family and friends.
They do this because if they don’t, there is a chance someone close to you will figure out you’re being abused and do their best to get you out of the situation.
Get Out
When married to an abuser, you never know what will trigger them to attack you. This is precisely why you need to get yourself and your children away from the situation before you do anything else.
In severe cases, failing to leave an abuser could result in serious injury or even death. If you’re not sure where to turn, the best thing to do is to use the resources at hand.
You can call the domestic violence abuse hotline, and they can provide you with the names of shelters and hotels where you can stay. If that’s not an option, contacting friends and family to ask if they can help you get out is the next best thing.
Sometimes, when you’re in these situations and children are involved, you might wonder if removing the kids is in their best interest. But, ask yourself, what they are learning by seeing you subjected to abuse in the one place that is supposed to keep them safe?
Call a Lawyer
After you’ve removed yourself from the situation, the next thing you need to do is hire a lawyer. They will sit down with you to walk you through the next steps. They can also help you determine if you should file a protection order for you and your children’s safety.
A lawyer will be realistic with you about what can happen when you face your abuser in court, as well as their potential reactions to being served with a protection order or divorce papers. Before you speak with your legal team, you might find it helpful to create a list of questions for them.
For example, when you share children with your abusive spouse, you will want to ask, “What does full custody mean?” After all, you’ll want to do what it takes to keep your children safe, and in a domestic case, it could mean you’re awarded full custody.
When you ask these questions, remember that although you think full custody is in the best interest of your children, it doesn’t mean that’s the ruling the judge will give. Your lawyer’s job is to tell you the best-case scenario while also preparing you for the worst-case outcome.
Build a Support System
It’s one thing to go through a separation and divorce, but entirely different when you’re doing so because you’re a domestic violence victim. During this challenging time, having a team of people behind you to support you is of the utmost importance.
These will be people you lean on when you’re at your most vulnerable, and they can offer you a shoulder to cry on, a kind word, a place to stay, and other valuable resources while you’re rebuilding your life. When building your support system, think about people who will support you in what you’re doing.
You don’t want anyone on your support team who questions your decisions or attempts to make you feel as if what you’re doing is wrong.
Consider Entering Therapy
Domestic violence isn’t something you remove yourself from and instantly forget about. You will need to work through lasting trauma as you continue to rebuild your life.
We recommend that you seek the help of a trauma therapist to help you process what has happened to you. Not only will they help you walk through what has happened in the past, but they will also help you learn various coping mechanisms you can use when you’re feeling triggered and going through a tough time.
If you cannot attend the therapy sessions in person, that’s okay. The pandemic helped bring about more virtual options to ensure you’re receiving the mental health care you need without leaving the comfort of your home.
We’ve provided several tips above, but the most important thing is to get away from the abuser and contact a lawyer. Do you need to hire a lawyer for your situation? We’re here to help. Schedule a consultation by calling us at (402) 415-2525 or by reaching out online today!
