“Why didn’t she just leave?” People with no experience in domestic violence often ask this question once abuse comes to light. “After all,” they think, “how hard is it to pack your things and get out of the house?”
This question shows a fundamental lack of understanding of what women in distress go through. Research suggests that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim. One study even found that abusers cited the threat of separation as their reasoning behind further violence.
If you or someone you know is preparing to leave an abuser, it’s crucial to ensure your safety. Making careful plans can help you escape successfully and keep the abuser off your tracks. Here’s what you should know.
Create a Safety Plan
Before you make a move, lay out plans for your escape. Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t easy. When an abuser’s control is threatened, they may lash out in unexpected ways.
Decide where you’ll go if you need to leave in a hurry. You might want to stay with a trusted friend or family member. You can also seek out accommodations from a local domestic violence shelter.
Next, walk through each room of your home and identify the safest areas for an emergency escape. Rooms with a phone, window, or door that leads outside are ideal.
You’ll also need to figure out how you’ll leave fast. This might entail hiding a copy of your car or house keys, spare clothing for you and any children, and making sure you have critical documents or important phone numbers. Keep this in a single bag that’s easy to carry.
It’s important to pack light. However, you should also assume that you will not have access to any belongings you leave behind once you’ve escaped.
If you know that your abuser uses surveillance, leave their systems in place until you’re ready to leave. This includes tracking apps, cameras, or GPS devices hidden in your purse or car. Don’t alert your abuser that you’re aware of these items until you are leaving.
Be sure to rehearse your escape plan so you know what to do if your abuser threatens you. This is especially important if you are coordinating with a friend or family member who will need to pick you up.
Document the Abuse
While you are planning and packing, be sure to keep evidence of the abuse, if possible. This can become critical if you decide to hire a lawyer later.
Photos of your injuries or your children’s injuries, police reports, and medical records can be a great help. In addition, don’t delete any threatening texts or emails from your partner, and consider bringing any notes or documents that reference your abuse.
You should also consider bringing your journal, if you keep one. This can help you remember the dates and facts of any abusive episodes.
Save Money If Possible
Financial abuse is often intertwined with domestic violence. Abusers often make it difficult for their partners to save money and discourage them from working for their own income.
However, you should try to save a bit of money, if you can. This is easiest if you have access to cash, which is difficult to trace and easy to store. A few dollars here and there can add up over time.
You can also create a separate checking account to hide any money you have. Be more careful with this: you’ll need to use a safe computer away from home and create strong passwords. Get help from friends and family members, if needed.
If you can’t save money, be sure to lean on your social network or a trusted domestic abuse shelter to help after you leave.
Leave Your Home
The best time to leave is when your abuser is not home. Ideally, wait until you’re sure they’ll be gone for some time. This gives you a chance to gather your packed belongings and leave with a sizeable head start.
At this time, you may want to leave your cell phone behind or turn it off if you suspect your abuser is tracking it. Get rid of any other tracking devices you are aware of. Take refuge in your chosen location.
Protect Yourself
Never let your abuser know where you are. Do not take their calls or respond to their messages. If you are staying with a friend or family member, make sure they do not tell your abuser where to find you.
Change your phone number, create a new email address, and get a P.O. box for your mail. You should also change all of your passwords on important sites or social media accounts. Open a new bank account for yourself and cancel any joint bank accounts or credit cards your abuser has access to.
Change your routine as well. If your abuser is searching for you, they will expect you in the same areas as usual. You may need to create a safety plan for leaving work, and tell your manager, the receptionist, or a security guard to turn your abuser away.
This is a good time to talk to an attorney who has experience with spousal abuse. A lawyer can help you file charges or a protection order against your partner. They can also help you understand your options for divorce, child custody, child support, and more.
Stay alert, even with a protective order in place. Be aware that your abuser may ignore any protections you set up.
Keep an ongoing record of any harassment, sightings of your abuser lurking nearby, threatening emails or messages, and interactions between you and your abuser. You and your lawyer can use this as proof of harassment, stalking, or abuse.
Legal Aid for Women in Distress
There’s no getting around it, escaping domestic violence can be frightening, stressful, and traumatic. However, planning your escape in advance can help ensure your safety and the safety of your children. It can also help you keep your abuser at bay.
When you’re dealing with domestic abuse, you don’t have to struggle alone. The expert legal team at Husker Law is proud to help women in distress throughout the Omaha Metro area, and we’re here to guide you through the legal aftermath of your escape.
Do you need to hire a lawyer for your situation? We’re here to help. Schedule a consultation by calling us at (402) 415-2525 or by reaching out online today!
